My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
