i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
then he tried to convert me to islam
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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