The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
