tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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