listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
