Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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