I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Michael Bay diarrhea
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
