My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
