I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
