Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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