I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
