Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
