not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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