Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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