JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize