He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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