apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He keeps bees of course he's weird
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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