I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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