Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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