I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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