Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I look better un-naked...
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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