theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
