She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
