what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Randomize
