i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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