Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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