he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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