i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
