I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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