I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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