I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
