she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
