I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
