I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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