Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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