I'm really into asian looking animals
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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