I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
