every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
