Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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