3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
