I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
