I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Randomize
