Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
