Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I cut my penus on the lid.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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