Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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