Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He had one of those small greek statue penises
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
