Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
this just has baby written all over it
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
