He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
