first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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