I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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