Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
