evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
