But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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