I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
