I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
