I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
