the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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